80/20 Rule

I don’t know about you, but I live by the 80/20 rule! I absolutely love it. The idea that 20% of your energy creates 80% of your results is amazing. The other great thing is, it fits into just about any situation in life, excluding healthy relationships. Trust me, I’ve tried. It took me a lifetime of experience and the nudge of my therapist to see that the only way for a heathy relationship to thrive is the 100/0 rule. That’s 100% respect and 0% tolerance for abuse. Let’s use my failed up 80/20 marriage as an example.

80% of the time it was pretty comfortable

…the answer to why I stayed

My significant other (SO for short) and I knew each other for over a decade and truth is, it wasn’t always terrible. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that in the beginning, 80% of the time it was pretty comfortable. We binged on shows, worked out, drank, traveled, and generally enjoyed each other’s company. On the flip side, 20% of the time it was full of abuse, super painful, and left me shocked.

I accepted the 80% comfort as his character and excused the 20% for a bad day. Chalking it up to “relationship issues,” I tried to carry on as usual, but I couldn't. Before I knew it the 80% comfort zone was full of anxiety, fear, confusion, and sadness. In addition to the mix of emotions, I began experiencing a hyper awareness of my SO’s behavior. The only way to explain it is, a mental flinch. Meaning, I would mentally prepare for verbal, physical, or emotional pain at the sight of my SO’s actions or words. One example that stands out in my mind is, his clenched jaw. The second he tightened it I felt a pang of fear. Crazier, I became so aware of it that he could do it while standing across a room without making eye contact and I’d feel the weight of it. I don’t remember when I experienced the first mental flinch, but at some point it caused me to shift my actions.

Eventually, in his presence, my movements and words were controlled, intentional, and driven in hopes of placating him. I took to underspending, over cleaning, and silencing myself to avoid confrontations. I did anything to keep him calm and keep us safe. In the clinical world, they refer to this as “walking on eggshells” and it is just that delicate. It also is not effective. I believed my eggshell walk was securing our safety. I was wrong.

On the last evening of abuse, I came face to face with the indisputable reality that I never had nor would I have the power to protect us in his presence. I knew in the core of my being, I would never relive this again. The only power I ultimately had was to leave. In that moment of realization, I purposefully and intentionally refocused my attention forward by setting my first goal and boundary, separation. Later I would understand it as the day I established my take on the 100/0 rule.

I choose to share this story with you in hopes that you understand any relationship (marriage or otherwise) that is made up of 80% comfort and 20% abuse is an abusive relationship. The only healthy relationship is one that offers 100% respect and 0% tolerance for abuse.